Moderation [or at least considering it]

Posted in nerdlette, this is fucking america! by nerdlette on 18 June 2008

Again the brilliant jezebels discussing shrinks and moderation. Having been ill-advised into an adderol prescription by my shrink, (who famously told me that I make bad decisions and thus should not trust my own opinions when I expressed reticence about taking the meds) I totally empathized with this conversation.

Shrink: You know, if I give you an Adderall prescription, you can’t drink.
Royal We: That is absolutely not a problem. We are looking for excuses not to drink.
Shrink: Well, I’m just concerned because you didn’t answer the question on the form.
Royal We: What question?
Shrink: About how much you drink.
Royal We: Oh.
Shrink: How much do you drink.
Royal We: Right now, too much.

Shrink: Well how much?
Royal We: Well, like, last night?
Shrink: In a week.
Royal We: Um, 25?
Shrink: That’s a lot.
Royal We: Wait, no!
Shrink: There are things I can give you to help you with that.
Royal We: Wait, no, we mean, we really don’t drink 25 drinks a week! We’re just really hungover now and we can’t do math.
Shrink: Hm.
Royal We: Seriously! That’s WAY too much. We mean, if wedrank that much we’d probably try to, you know, lowball it with you wouldn’t we? Isn’t that what drunks do?
Shrink: All right, let me phrase it differently, how much does it take you to get drunk?
Royal We: Well, we mean, it depends if we’ve eaten, or if we have our period.
Shrink: You’ve eaten, you don’t have your period
Royal We: Uh, five? Six?
Shrink: That’s a lot.
Royal We: We didn’t want to seem like a wimp! It depends what you mean by “drunk,” too.
Shrink: No, it’s okay, there are a lot of women like you.
Royal We: We really don’t even like drinking that much. We’re just… a really good friend.
Shrink: Well.
Royal We: And we have a lot of friends. We mean, it’s getting to be a problem.
Shrink: Look, you can’t take Adderall if you drink. Because you know what happens when you take Adderall when you drink?
Royal We: Oh yeah, you have to drink like 10 whiskeys to feel anything.
Shrink: Well, that and you forget stuff.
Royal We: Oh shit. To self: sex and Adderall not so much!
Shrink: But listen, there are things I can prescribe to you to help you with this.
Royal We: Really?! Like a pill?
Shrink: Yes, pills that will take away your craving to drink. You can still drink, but you’ll be at a bar and you’ll be more like those people who go out and hang out all night but only ever sit and nurse a drink or two.
Royal We: Us?
Shrink: Do you know any of those people? Who can go out and hang out and only drink one or two?
Royal We: You mean the not fun people?
Shrink: Are they not fun?
Royal We: Well, we’re just really fun.
Shrink: You will still be fun!
Royal We: Well, we’ll anything once. That’s one of the things that makes us fun! What kind of pills are we talking?
Shrink: Well there are two kinds. There’s nalprexone.
Royal We: For heroin addicts?
Shrink: Well it also works for alcoholism.
Royal We: We’re not an alcoholics!
Shrink: And there’s a new drug called Campral.
Royal We: Okay, we’ll take that one. Is it new?
Shrink: Yes. But it’s expensive.
Royal We: Not as expensive as Maker’s Mark! Not that we said that!!


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